apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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