i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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