My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
