I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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