Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
