i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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