Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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