i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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