My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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