I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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