One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
