Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Randomize
