Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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