she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize