At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
