Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
