I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Can i not drive my cunt home
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize