If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
my being single is dangerous.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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