saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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