My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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