mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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