Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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