I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
