Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
this boner is exhausting
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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