Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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