Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
