i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize