apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
