He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
you inspire me to be a worse person
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
