I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
