His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
