I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
