Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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