I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
