I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize