WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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