I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
this hospital has no fireball
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Randomize
