There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
