remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
