i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
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