I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
