Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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