Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
