she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
