Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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