its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize