Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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