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I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
