I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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