Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize