i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
