I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Randomize
