It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
