My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Success! We fucked roommates!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
