I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize