my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
